2 months on an moving!

So it's been 2 months since mum passed away, we had a little pray session for her on wednesday night. The thing is you know the ach in the heart suppose to get better, you suppose to come to terms with it more, but somehow that is not the case. As time goes by it seems to be hurting more and more. As time goes by i seem to be missing mum more and more. The memories seem to be hunting me alot more these days then the month before. Especially, the time she was in hospital, more so when she was back in the normal ward for the last 4 days, maybe as i said in my last post was that i felt so hopeless that i could not do anything but see mum in the state she was in that is hunting me, or feeding her small amounts of orange juice with a swab as she can't swallow yet but she wanted some taste in her mouth. She loved food so much. All that time she keep asking us she wanted to eat. Or the times she would be groaning in pain from all the sores all over her body. These memories keep coming back to me. Hunting me. It's so hard to shut them out at times. I wonder how dad does it. I'm sure he's feeling as much pain as i am. So wish you still around mum. I guess it's mum positive out look in life that is keep me afloat most of the time now. She's always thinking of the better side of anything that is wrong and that has rub on to me. Somewhere someone in this world is suffering more then me, less fortunate then i am or going through more pain then i am. There is so much more to life, it's so short so just live it to your fullest. Mum did live her life to the fullest , so much so that i guess she did not have time to enjoy life in her age to come. 

Okie on with life, so it's 6 weeks to sundown marathon i know i have not trained enough for it but what the hack. Plan is to run 30km in 3 hrs an walk the last 12 in less then 2 hrs. So all in all i still finish the marathon in less then 5 hrs. That's the plan but if it works is another thing altogether. IMWA is 8 months away. Training is getting on fine. Swim is getting better, run is not to bad since i run more now i just need to bike more thats all. Other then that nothing much to shout about besides the rain that likes to spoil my training days. till next time folks ........... 

serious training has began!

okie with 2 months left to sundown marathon... serious training has to start, well sundown is the beginning of the race yr actually, after that comes the saab duathlon, port dickson tri, army half marathon, desaru everything more or less packed in to 2 months june and july after that nothing much till the end of the yr IMWA.

So i've started to run 3 times a week slowly increasing my mileage as the weeks go by. Last week was 7km on tuesday, 11 km on friday followed by 8km on sunday that goes together with ITT on tuesday night and a gruelling 3 loops of mandai yesterday. Only swim once a week now during mondays that also has to start to pick up to twice a week. After the 3 days of run and bike my legs kinda feel like jelly at the moment but it's been awhile since i had that feeling in my legs the last time was in feb where we had the one day training thingy.

Apart from that life is moving on, work etc.... Slowly but surely it's setting in that mum is no longer around. Some days i have this kinda of lost feeling not having a mother around anymore, then i start to think that i should be lucky enough to have been with mum for 32 yrs of my life where there are some ppl who would not know what having a mother or her love is all about. So brings the debate on it's better not to have from the start so you don't know what you are missing, or it's better to have love then not to have love at all. Well life is full of getting use to i guess, last yr was getting use to the fact that we had to live with mum having leukemia, now we have to get use to the fact she is no longer around and we have to start doing things with out her.

it's been along while!

Somehow my line " Live by faith and not by sight" seems to tied in very well with all that has happened over the last month plus abit more. I think if i did not have that much faith i would be far worst off then what i would be now. O hello there, yes finally started writing here again after a long absent. 

So it's been 1 month 2 days since mum passed away. Some how i still don't think she is gone, but yet again i know she is. I so wished she would actually live to she her 60th birthday one of the few prays i asked for from god during the time we were in ICU. But i have come to this conclusion that if god wants to take you he will and if he does not want to take you he won't. Why this is to be simple. We had 1 of our 1 ady training camps during feb. Mum as still in ICU then. 1 of the ppl training with us got hit by a car while she was cycling, miracle is that she flew landed on the windscreen of the car yet she did not break any bones or what so ever. Her bike was totalled none to say the least. So yes if god wants you he will have you. 

I'm grateful for the 4 days i had to spend time with mum when she was out of icu, when she went back to normal ward. Seeing her in such pain at times really broke my heart not to say that i felt totally useless as there was nothing i could do to help her. These are times where you just stand there trying your best to help your mum ease her pain but you can't an it just feels like shitz cause she has given her 59 yrs of her life bring you up an you can't do a thing for her.Surprisingly enough being my mum she still asked me how was last weeks poh pia party that my sister had. This is after going in to coma for a week and waking up, up till then she was still thinking of other ppl. We thought that she would pull through actually, or i, as i have total faith in god. Late one night when we were all at icu, one of the doctors came out to talk to us. Saying mum is not getting any better and we should be ready for the worst. Remember my uncle saying that you know if she could just wake up an see us one more time thats all we asked for. I guess thats why god gave my mum 4 days in normal word to be with us. I did not want to come to terms with that but at the back of my mind this is god saying i grant you your wish. 

Surely enough, on thursday morning, mum's o2 lvl in her lungs dropped. Something was wrong. They did an xray an found that her lungs where starting to fill up with liquid. Being in the condition she was in they could not really do anything much. All the hope was that the antibiotics which they were giving her would work and that her lungs would get better, but on saturday at 730 am in the morning dad called an said mum is in ICU again, but we all know and mum wished that she did not want to be in icu and she also did not want to be on the ventilator.It was her wish as well. Having a tube stuck down your throat in to your lungs to help you breath is i think the most unpleasant thing that can happen to you while you are awake not to say the added stress on the person. So with that mum was sent back to normal ward. During the course of the day i said to god. I know i'm asking for a miracle but could you pls take away mum's suffering if she were to pass away. Pls make it a peaceful one for her, she deserves that much after being your humble servant for the last 20 yrs of her life. 

Surely enough that night at 8.15pm mum passed away not in any pain but in peace. We were all at her bed side when it happened. For the next 4 hrs we all waited for the pulse to stop running through her body. Finally when the line went flat at 12.10am on the 17th of feb the doc's pronounced mum dead. I like to thank everyone for being there for mum and for us during the 1 month in icu and normal ward. The numerous prays from all the different pray groups and ppl from all around the world i know you all were praying for her. During the 4 hrs the amount of peace that came from my mum's room in the hospital the amount of energy that came out of it could calm the hearts of the 50 over ppl that was there. We all knew she has gone to heaven. 

Mum was a fighter, very strong willed and very stubben. She fought her cancer for a yr and 3 months and 3 days. She fought to stay alive in icu for a month. Not many ppl in her condition who go in to ICU get to come out of ICU. Mum you have set an example to many to follow, during your daily life and the time you where in hospital. You were greatly loved by so many from the 5 days you were at home during the wake. You do so much more then other ppl do and is a constant inspiration to alot of ppl till this very day. We use to call you superwomen mum an you really are one. It's been a month mum, i miss you alot and i think we all do still. I know you are up in heaven cause god has told me so. Looking down on us. One day we will join you up there together with the rest of the family who is already with you. Not a day goes by when you were in icu or normal ward that i told you i love you mum and you would answer back i know in your cute way. But to you again mum" I LOVE YOU". 

Coming to you live from SGH!

well i know it's been awhile since i last wrote here, life has been one big down hill, actually more like being drop off the mountain top with out parachute. Most important is my mum is now in ICU, been in there for the last 2 an a half weeks. So it's been a 2 over weeks of roller coaster ride. emotionally draining plus mentally. Shan't write alot.  

Greetings from Shangri la at KK!

Okie if you don't know already KK stands for Kuta Kinabalu. About 2 hrs 15mins flight from Singapore. So i got in on Monday and today is Thursday. Well, i'm rather tired right now. Since i've been here it's been pretty much busy all way. Considering we are staying at the Shang, i hardly get to enjoy the comforts of my room at all. We spend about 6 to 7 hrs aday in the room. Rest of the time we are in our make shift office of the third function room. Okie this has to be a quick blog as i got to leave for the dinner place in about 10mins i think. All in all it's a fun trip, get to meet new friends which is always a good thing. Well i need a break form singapore so this is a good way to get away from home, to bad i can't really veg around as there is planning, stuff to do everyday. This is like a get fat break, been eating non-stop lor. Working here means snacking here as well. Not a good thing. Plus my colleagues keep buying snacks like potato chips and such. Man. Plus i'm feeling rather fat from not doing anything. I manage to squeeze in a 5 km run that day at the gym thats about it. DId it in 28 mins not to use to running on a mill, but i can say the mill high tech one, got in built fan also. But what can i say it's the shang after all ya. okie got to run off to dinner. Later peeps

Not like the start of the New Yr!

I'm totally not enjoying my start to this new yr of 08, I thought it would be a great yr but ...... Somehow when i sign off on my last posting i had a funny feeling something will happen, or rather from the way i sign off... which was something like, good or bad life is something to experience so let see what the new yr brings. Well, that was answered so fast it's not even funny. As my msn profile now says" sometimes i really don't understand why"

Well here goes mum's platelets were low so dr said come in for a bone marrow test which was yesterday. Well the news came back today. About 2 months back we were all happy as dr said mummy was all okie, but after today's news i think we all sank back to 0 maybe minus if you ask me. Apparently she has a relapse. My heart sank 9ft under ground when i heard the news. Can't really imagine how my dad feels. should be worst then me. Sometimes being the oldest brings the greatest responsibility in the family, one that is dam hard to bare with. I guess only the eldest in the family can sort of relate to how i feel maybe. Don't know to shout, cry or what now. But i guess once again i have to leave it up to god. For those reading just pray for me mum again thanks!

Last day of the yr!

woopppiiiiieeeee the last day of 07.... Come to think of it don't really feel anything, i mean tomorrow is going to be tuesday then wednesday then thursday just another week in our life... Was telling someone yesterday new's eve just an excuse for ppl to get drunk and party. After 32 yrs of living not that i getting sick of it.. come to think of it i'm actually enjoying my life but so wasup with 1 more yr. A yr older we get, it's just all numbers on how we keep track of time to make things simpler for us to keep track off. I'm mean i sure if 60s to 60 mins to 24 hrs to 7 days to 1 week to 1 month to 1 yr we would be lost in some sense. So it's the new yr, i might actually be slp by the time the count down starts so i can wake up fresh for tomorrows cycle and run. Well some of you would say i'm insane but we are a bunch of insane ppl. Ppl who cannot go with out some form of exercise for 2 days in a row. So how was this yr for me. We have our ups and downs, so i say i had more ups then downs this yr. All in all a good yr, lots of new friends made as well. Did my first half iron man, half marathon. Next yr will be a yr of full distance stuff. Can't wait......

Not going to say what goals i have set myself for the next yr to come, all i can hope for is that god would give me an eventful one both good and bad, cause with out experiences then what is life for am i right.... s everyone likes to say lets see what the new yr brings to us. It can only get better!